I don’t know how she does it
March 8, 2024 | by Rebecca Macnair
Ahead of International Women’s Day, I was reflecting on some of the conversations I have had with women who have attended recent training sessions, and in particular how many are unable or unwilling to take a break. I don’t know how much of this comes from external pressures, and how much is from their own expectations, but it has been interesting (or perhaps alarming would be a better word) to see that so many just accepted as normal that they had no time for the things that could help balance their stress. And we aren’t talking about big chunks of time, even the suggestion of taking a short break for lunch, or half an hour a couple of times a week for some self-care has been scoffed at by those with apparently endless to-do lists.
When we talk further many of these women have people around who are willing and able to help. While it is true that women generally still take on more of the household and caring responsibilities, the external expectation that they should do has shifted. Some of the women I have talked to about this don’t have that support, but a number of them do. So when I ask why they still take it all on themselves, it’s that they don’t want to ask, or don’t want others to feel burdened, or they feel guilty if they aren’t fulfilling these roles, or it’s always just been that way. Fear of judgment or appearing weak can lead any of us, of any gender, to take on too much and this can be exacerbated for those who feel the impact of societal expectation or conditioning.
Different generations will have experienced different sets of expectations. I am fortunate that I don’t have to fight for certain rights or recognition thanks to the efforts of the women who have come before me. We quite rightly raise girls with the empowering message that they can do anything. But do we ever step back and acknowledge that although we can do anything, we don’t have to do everything? How many of us have felt guilty that we don’t take advantage of every opportunity, knowing that this wouldn’t have been an option for our mothers or grandmothers. Or we step through every open door and don’t ever want to ask for help as it is somehow letting the side down?
There has been a huge amount of commentary about the Barbie movie that came out last year. One of the most impactful moments was a monologue from Gloria (America Ferrera) about the experience of being a woman in today’s society:
“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we always have to be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.
We have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin — you have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas.
You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining.
You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged, so find a way to acknowledge that — but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing a woman, then I don’t even know.”
The phrase “I don’t know how she does it” may be said in admiration, but it ignores the struggle and sacrifice that could be behind the image, or the toll it may be taking.
The pressure (whether external or internal) to be the perfect mother, wife or employee leaves little room for self-care or relaxation. When we are conditioned to prioritise the needs of others above our own, this leads to neglect of our mental and emotional wellbeing. And if we are unwell, then we aren’t in a position to fulfil those roles. So, part of being a good employee, partner, mother, daughter, aunt etc is taking the time to look after ourselves. Taking breaks, setting boundaries, and seeking support are not signs of weakness but essential strategies for maintaining mental health and overall wellbeing, and just be viewed with the same importance as all those other tasks on our lists.